Princess Rache's Castle

Her Royal Highness Speaks...

Life is Full of Suprises...
So Carlos and I had been dating since April 26, 2011 and then this past Thursday September 8, 2011 he decided to end our relationship because he "did not want the obligations of being in a relationship right now." He claims he wants to focus on music and himself, and that I have done nothing wrong. I have battled with believing that for 6 days...I believe now he is right. I loved him and would have done ANYTHING for him, despite the flaws in our relationship. Yet he would rather focus on himself instead of sucking it up, becoming a man, and doing whatever it takes to make a relationship work in addition to succeeding in his calling. I am truly sorry that he feels that way, because I know what he has forfeited. I can be a real hard@#& sometimes, but when I love someone, I LOVE someone. Well...not sure where to go from here...wondering now what God has in store for me next...I hope that one day my friend gets himself together so that he may prosper.

Was just reading over the past few journal entries of mine...the scriptures do not lie when they say that God will give you the desires of your heart. Looking back, I got what I wanted last year...except that I sinned against my conscience so it wasn't as it should have been, but I still got what I thought I wanted. I guess that makes does to me. Having moved forward into 2010, looking back I still feel some sadness about what happened, but moreover, I'd have to say that I'm grateful it did. I know, I know, it sounds crazy..but regardless of the pain, regardless of the confusion, regardless of the loss I felt and still sometimes feel, the person it has made me into I believe is worth it all. A friend of mine once gave me a quote that said "Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement." You ain't never lyin'! I can definitely say that I learned alot from that relationship last year...I learned about myself, I learned about other people, and I learned about life in general. I'm ready to move on with my life now, I've been ready for a month now. I'm ready to do something different. I'm concerned that if I stay in one place for too long I'll get stuck in a rut and miss out on what God is wanting to do in my life. I just need Him to tell me the next move to make.

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Have you ever seen a person going down a wrong path and you wanted to tell them but you couldn't because your hands are tied? That's where I am right now. I have this certain person in my life who made a really poor decision and although I can't prove it, I just know that they are only getting themselves in deeper and deeper, and they may even eventually lose everything when God brings judgement. That's scary! I wish I could help, but you can't help a person who doesn't want to be helped...and I suppose in this case watching them fall on their butt is going to be their only way back to redemption..if they even allow God that.

God has placed some crazy dreams in me for 2010. Things that at this current time, I am not capable of doing on my own. Things that will require relying on God, and when looking back all I will be able to say is "wow, look what the Lord has done!" Pastor Todd preached on Sunday morning about having a vision..and then he used my scripture I've been holding onto for quite some time now..."And then God answered: "Write this. Write what you see. Write it out in big block letters so that it can be read on the run. This vision-message is a witness pointing to what's coming. It aches for the coming-it can hardly wait! And it doesn't lie. If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time."" - Habakkuk 2:2-3 The Message Bible Looking at where I've been, where I am now, and where I am going...all I can say is that God has surely been at work in my life, and I am so excited to see how it all turns out. Too bad I can't say that about my friend...but then again, God gave us free will for a reason right?

Anyway, here's to the future!

2009 Resolutions Revisited...
The following are resolutions I wrote for myself to accomplish in 2009. Let's see how well I did!

1) Weight 250 or less. - 19 more pounds to go!

2) Grow, excel, and prosper in my career. - in progress

3) Get car fixed. - waste of money, put it in savings

4) Pay down college loan. - in progress

5) Get an A in Medical Terminology - got a B, but was dern close!

6) Learn to market myself better. - still working on it

7) Stop cursing. - definite improvement!

8) Re-learn timeliness. - check!

9) Take care of self better. - check!

10) Fix knee and other ailments. - check! God is good!

12) Stop useless spending. - improvement

13) Utilize my talents and passions. - check!

14) Grow forth in my place in ministry. - in progress!

15) Stop being afraid of everything. - definite improvment!

Goal fr/ Catherine to Me:

"Live a little, make an adventure, don't hold back, we only get one chance at this. Make it the best adventure ever! Have fun with life. Try something new! "Be the adventure!" Also, value others, you do need them you know!" - check, check, check!!!

"Have better 2010 year" - definitely in progress!!

Why Me?!
I never expected to get what I wanted, not even for those brief moments, but I did. Only, it hasn't all worked out according to plan. No, I didn't plan it, you can't plan that sort of thing. When I say that, I just mean that it's not as it should be. Because if it was, then it wouldn't feel like someone was stabbing me in the heart and continually turning the knife to make it hurt more. I've been hurt before but nothing even comes close to the pain and uncertainty that I feel right now. Being second best hurts like hell! One of my best friendships being forever's almost like a part of me is dying. I care for him and always will. But the thought of it not being reciprocated weighs on my heart like a sumo wrestler sitting on my chest all day. I've been depressed since Wednesday. I want to talk this over so bad, but my counsel says that I should wait til he calls me back. But when is that?!?! I'm not sure how much more of this crap I can bear. If God has a purpose for everything, then what is this??? I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of sleeping too much and not wanting to eat from being depressed. I want this to all work out or for God to take the feelings and the pain away. Is that so much to ask for?...

Don't Tell God If You Don't Mean It...
The story of my life continues...This afternoon I had been listening to William McDowell's song "I Give Myself Away", when God decided to test my sincerity on that being my prayer as of late. So, I'm in the back office when I hear a woman talking in a loud voice and opened the door to this lady who was drenched from the rain and completely upset that the chapel had not been set up as promised. At first I was taken aback, not quite sure what to do, and almost felt myself starting to get nervous. Then, I remembered that song...

I give myself away
I give myself away so you can use me

Here I am
Here I stand
Lord my life is in your hands
Lord I’m longing to see your desire revealed in me

I give myself away
I give myself away so you can use me

Take my heart
Take my life as a living sacrifice
All my dreams, All my plans Lord I place them in your hands

I give myself away
I give myself away so you can use me

My life is not my own
To you I belong
I give myself
I give myself to you

You see, sometimes in life witnessing to people comes in the smallest of things and my choice at that moment was a make it or break it. People aren't drawn to Christ through religion, they are drawn by His love in other people. Calmly re-evaluating the situation I decided to take action. I called a co-worker for help, we set up her tables, I put on the table clothes, helped decorate, and brought her some ice from the front since they had forgotten it. She said that her plans hadn't turned out quite as intended, the rain had made things worse, and her father whom the party was for was on Hospice care and odds were good that this would be his last birthday and she wanted it to be really special for him. I could tell as she talked and we reminisced about her grandmother whom also had lived at our facility years ago that her countenance had changed and that God had given me a chance to make a difference in this woman's life today. How awesome is that, to be used by God. I know this may not sound like much to whomever is reading this, but I will tell you, I don't think that God always works in the big extravagant to-do's, I think its the small things in life that God takes most pleasure in and smiles at. You see, in a glorious event you get all the credit, in the small events you don't, and thats where God takes notice. Because its not about us anyway. Its all about Him.

God has been seriously at work in my life as of late. I still stand in awe of it all. A couple of months ago I faced a huge decision in changing churches to follow after what I felt God was leading me to and PRAYED sincerely that I chose right. I know when I hear His voice, I knew it was Him, and I know, that I know, that I know, that I know, I am placed exactly where I need to be right now for the next chapter God has begun writing in my life. My excitement and anticipation grow each time I take a step forward in faith, and watch God move. This is definitely going to be an interesting year to look back at and reflect on...

I Stand Amazed
Life has been pretty interesting as of late. I'd have to say that where I am right now, I'd never have seen myself here just 3 months ago. God has taken me not only out of my comfort zone or what I have known and trusted the past 5 years, but He has placed me somewhere I never thought I'd be again. Not that I'm not grateful or completely fascinated with what God is doing in my life...I'm just not entirely certain exactly where I am headed after this. Ok, bad phrasing..perhaps a better way of saying this would be that I only know part of my assignment. But that's faith, right? Believing and trusting God when you can't see the whole picture. Knowing that God has a great plan for you and trusting that although you don't understand at the time He knows what He is doing and it is entirely for your own good. Yea, I'm so there. Trusting can just be a bit difficult at times. Especially for me. But God knows my heart. Thank goodness that someone truly understands me...

Work is another story..I've always enjoyed my job. But the uncertainty of it all lately concerns me. I mean really, I never know from day to day if I will still have a job. Goes back to the whole trusting God thing. I know that God is looking out for me. That's why I'm still there. But..what happens when He throws a wrench in things that I wasn't expecting. Yea...that kinda scares me. I hope that doesn't happen. Its just that never knowing from day to day and week to week unsettles me.

My soul is troubled today, and for what I cannot pinpoint exactly. This job bothers me. I get so weary of something always being wrong. It's kinda like juggling glasses of poop. No matter how good you are, eventually you will miss the glass and the crap will fly. Disgusting, but true. I hate that. I miss the days when I actually thought that I could trust my co-workers. Now, if I breathe the wrong way it's on!

Another thing, I'm a bit uncertain about my relationships with other people lately. It is so hard for me to allow people into my life, only to fear being wounded. I don't want to be hurt anymore. With each time it's like a little piece of me dies. I may be tough, but I do have a breaking point.

Lastly, Michael Jackson died last week. Carlos and I were talking last night on the phone and I mentioned about it not being a good week to be a celebrity and how I was glad that I wasn't important. Carlos thinks that I shouldn't say that. And although he is right, I still have to wonder. If I were to go to bed tonight and never wake up again, who would truly miss me? Whose life or lives have I impacted, so that my legacy lives on? What about 5 years from now? 10 or 20? I can't say. I want to be used mightily for God in my lifetime. I want to leave a legacy for my husband, my children, and my extended family. I want people to look back and say of my life "wow, look what the Lord has done!" But how do I get there from here?

What Season Are You In?
"And the God answered: "Write this.
Write what you see.
Write it out in big block letters so that it can be read on the run.
This vision-message is a witness pointing to what's coming.
It aches for the coming-it can hardly wait!
And it doesn't lie.
If it seems slow in coming, wait.
It's on its way. It will come right on time.""
- Habakkuk 2:2-3 The Message Bible

"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born , and a time to die ; a time to plant , and a time to pluck up that which is planted ;
A time to kill , and a time to heal ; a time to break down , and a time to build up ;
A time to weep , and a time to laugh ; a time to mourn , and a time to dance ;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together ; a time to embrace , and a time to refrain from embracing ;
A time to get , and a time to lose ; a time to keep , and a time to cast away ;
A time to rend , and a time to sew ; a time to keep silence , and a time to speak ;
A time to love , and a time to hate ; a time of war, and a time of peace."
- Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

""Forget about what's happened; don't keep going over old history.
Be alert, be present. I'm about to do something brand-new. It's bursting out! Don't you see it? There it is! I'm making a road through the desert, rivers in the badlands."
- Isaiah 43:18-19 The Message Bible

3 Seasons for LifeSpring
1) Refreshing
2) Restitution
3) Restoration

Restitution: restoration to the rightful owner of something lost or taken away; a making good for loss or damage; a return to a former condition.

Restoration: a restoring or being restored; a restored thing.

Restore: to give back(something taken, lost, etc.); to bring back to a former or normal state, or to a position, rank, etc.; to bring back to health, strength, etc.; to bring back into use, being, etc.

Refreshing: to make fresh by cooling, wetting, etc.; to make(a person) feel cooler, stronger, etc. as by food, sleep, etc.; to replenish; renew; to revive(the memory, etc.)


Candlelight Conversation White-Chocolate Style!
So yea..I had a fabulous dinner this evening with my friend Grace at this really nifty Italian restaurant. Its so funny sometimes how you think that you're the only person going through something and that noone else could possibly feel the same way, only to realize you're not as strange as you originally thought. Yep...that's me.
I've really had alot weighing on my spirit lately and the more I uncover and learn about myself, the more I grow up, the more I realize that I'm not who I use to think I was. In fact, its almost like discovering who you are. According to Eharmony, thats a really good thing, in that you must first find yourself before you enter a relationship. Well, lets just say I'm alot more complex and interesting than I originally thought. Don't relationship here. I was just saying...
Oh yea, something I love doing: Making people laugh. Laughter brings joy and healing to the soul. I love evoking that. My friends have the greatest laughs...


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